Not by Choice

So its time to get down to brass tacks. I am quickly approaching thirty and I am still a virgin. I started to care about my sexual status about four months after I turned 29.

When most women have their biological clocks hit them they start angling for a baby. I just want dick to be honest. My bio-clock turned me into a whore but only in the head. Because I can't give this shit away. I feel like I should sit out on the side of the road with a bucket of condoms and my legs wide open ringing the dinner bell yelling COME AND GET IT.

Okay maybe I'm not that bad but I am considering dating websites and craigslist(the mecca for the ultra-desperate).

WOW.

The section above has been in my drafts since 2013. 8 years, 3 months and 16 days ago.  I got a BF shortly after that but he was very religious and also a virgin so not really the best choice for someone trying to lose their virginity. After our last break up in 2016 I moved from FL to TX for the freshest of starts and promptly got sexually assaulted. 

Kinda turned me off sex in a big way for quite a long while. I'm getting to the point where I'm back in the same mood I was 8 years, 3 months and 16 days ago. Theoretically. I had a date recently and the trauma fucked it up royally. Maybe if I embarrass myself a few more times that will encourage me to feel the fear and do it anyway or something.      

A few of my favorite things.

I'm a fan of a lot of things in the world today but most of the things I love are not age appropriate. I mean it's not like I have a mountain stuffed animals in a princess canopy bed or anything like that.

It's just that I'm damn near 30 only on my mind but mentality have yet to catch up with that fact.

1. Tyler the Creator
I love Tyler both musically and semi-romantically. Clearly, since I am damn near 30 I'm too old for either one of those.

2. Demi Lovato
Clearly I started off on the wrong foot with this girl because I discovered her on the Disney Channel.

3. Twilight
I was never robsessed or anything that dramatic the Twilight was a very large part of my life for a long of period time.

4. Hello Kitty
My Hello Kitty fascination is a recent development that shocked even me because I'm not really a girly girl. I for one think that Hello Kitty transcends all ages but I don't know how many times I have been told I need to find a new hobby.

None of it really matters though. I don't plan to grow up any time soon.

Time Machine

I feel as if I have gone back in time. 

I've never been the prettiest chick and at one point in time, I was actually shy. If I was one of the characters in one of those teen movies I'd be the fat nerdy chick who not so secretly lusts after the captain of the football/basketball team (I did have a thing for a football player but he wasn't captain though).

Things have come full circle but in my opinion but maybe, this is worse. I still live alone. For the most part, I still have no place to go in Friday or Saturday night. My Sunday morning trips to the movies are still solo. Yet I have a boyfriend now.

I’m somewhat embarrassed to tell anyone but it is an Internet boyfriend. It’ll be just my luck if he turns out to some serial killer or grifter hell bent on destroying some lonely woman’s life. He’s already hinted that he’d come over here (and by over here I mean we have a six hour time difference). I worry but I feel safe with that distance between us.

I know. I’m dumb and seemingly desperate. I would like that think that I’m not really, how could I be I have such low expectations I’m not really that hard to please. My idea of love (romantic or otherwise) is someone thinking of me when I'm not around. Seriously, I’ve gotten so bitchy in my old age that I have gotten used to the idea of being the lonely old spinster I REFUSE TO GET A CAT! I can promise everyone that no cat lady for me!

Wow, looking back at this it’s like strategic randomness. The point is I’m still the fat nerdy girl that I was in high school but now I’m made infinitely more pathetic but the fact that I have a significant other that lives in another county. That if I told anyone about they would give me the sad eyes and most likely think I’m making it up. I feel like I should end things with him to make myself feel better about myself.

Chew on that fact folks.

Bitch Face

Okay kids, I have been a bit introspective as of late which has, as usual yielded nothing enlightening. But just now as I was writing my book(which I promise is just a load of crap and the sexual fantasies of a 30 year old on a super long dry spell) I had another couch inspired epiphany.


I suffer from the heartbreak of Bitch Face. What is Bitch Face you ask?

And to that I reply:  Really?


Really?


No, for real. Really?


Suffice it to say I walk about my normal day, not bothering anybody, constantly being told to “SMILE” and “CHEER UP” by strangers. Or as I call them when assaulted with these exclamations assholes. Yeah, yeah I know such language from a genteel southern lady, but what can I say I call them like I see them.

But seriously I really don't know what leads people to think that this is at all welcome or in any way helpful. In my experience this just turns me into the Incredible Hulk of Bitchiness. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm RARRGH!!! BITCH SMASH!

My best advice to save us all a lot of attitude is just mind your business. Seriously Mind Your Business.

Chew on that fact Folks,

A Woman of Quality

They say that a Woman of Quality will like you for you and not care how much money you have or what you do for a living. 

 

I say that's  a load of malarkey.

  Any woman, quality or otherwise, will care about how much money you have or what you do for a living if she has any kind of common sense. Times are hard these days and it would be stupid to tie yourself to anyone who has no sense of fiscal or personal responsibility. 

You just have to find that certain woman of a certain quality won't hold it against you. There is a high price to pay for the devotion of this certain woman of a certain quality that can only be paid for in gentlemanly behavior, sincerity and stability. In layman's stop being such a jackass, say what you mean and mean what you say, grow up and take care of yourself because nobody is trying to be your momma. 

Quality woman are high in demand but hard to find. Her time and attention is a privilege, not a right but of course it's the quality that makes her worth the effort.

The other side of that same coin: The Man of Integrity.

Chew on that fact folks,

Locked and loaded for bear

I'm going to get straight to the point. I do not take chances with the supernatural. I wouldn't go so far as to  say that I am superstitious but I watch a lot of horror movies and people always see to die when they check to see if something might happen.

I have rosemary growing by my door(keeps thieves and evil away). All of my doors and windows are lined with kosher salt(barrier against spirits). I own holy water(self explanatory). I could go on but if I listed all my "just in case preparations  things could get super weird.

I don't do candy man or bloody Mary. If I'm home alone and I hear a strange noise in the next moment I am most likely out the door. Knives are hidden all over my house. There is a gun taped to my headboard, a baseball bat behind my bedroom door, a sword and a pair of sai 'on display' in my living room.

I am a woman prepared for war.  Or the Zombie Apocalypse.

Chew on that fact folks,

A Couch Inspired Epiphany

I was at my favorite spot today(my couch) participating in my favorite activity(absolutely nothing) when I felt the compelling urge to tell my story.

So here goes....

Yeah. So I'm the reigning Queen of Boringville. I mean, I work in a library for the love of Mike. Anything I have to say would be positively algebraic. But I'm gonna do it anyway and the  joke's on you apparently, cause you just read most of it.

A couple of day's ago my 'work boyfriend' broke up with me. The 'work boyfriend is not to be confused with the more popular 'work husband'. Those lead to the requisite 2.5 imaginary kids and probably an imaginary dog and I'm not ready for that kind of commitment.

 Now I should have seen this coming. The WBF and I started working different schedules about six months ago so we rarely see each other and after his real life marriage we'd admittedly grown apart.

But really how big of a loser can you be to be the dumpee in a pseudo-romantic relationship? 

Chew on that thought folks.